I drew in a sharp intake of breath- and held it. My heart racing, I clicked on the ominous blue “Outlook” icon at the bottom of my brightly shining computer screen. It felt as if hours had passed before my inbox finally appeared before me. I clicked on the refresh button incessantly, impatiently waiting for a certain e-mail that I’d been expecting for days: the dreaded Nutcracker cast list. With one click on one attachment, a dancers’ dreams could come true, or be crushed. I had been waiting for this cast list since even before the Ballet Company audition occurred- I feel like everyone had. It had been at the back of my mind every day, slowly creeping up, into my thoughts until I could barely take it anymore. The e-mail was supposed to be sent two days ago, but it still hasn’t come!

What could possibly be taking them so long? I thought irritatedly. I had been checking my inbox for new e-mails every chance I got- practically every five minutes. I couldn’t get it off my mind- the list was eating me up inside. I felt as if the cast list defined me and who I was as a dancer. If I don’t get a good part, I say to myself, trying to calm me down, then what’s the worst that will happen? Oh, nothing really, just that I’ll be a complete failure I say to myself, my words dripping with sarcasm. I’ll watch my fellow friends and dancers, or as I like to call them, competition leave me behind as they become the stars of the show. But if I do get a good part… I think to myself with a smile, everyone will envy me. Imagining myself up on the stage, spotlight centered on me, I gazed off into the distance, into a world of bliss and completely forgot about the list I had been waiting for for weeks.

Suddenly, a loud ding filled my ears. I turned my head sharply in the direction of my computer. Right in front of me appeared an e-mail with the subject of “Nutcracker Casting 2015.” I gasped in surprise and looked again- is it really there? Has the time actually come? I asked myself excitedly. I clicked on the attachment, and then, surprisingly, looked away. This list had been the center of my attention, basically the only thing on my mind for weeks, and now that it’s finally arrived, I didn’t want to read it? My hands shaking and my stomach turning, I finally turned my attention towards the list and cringed; afraid of what was about to come. I take a deep breath and scrolled down the long list, looking for my name- but I could not find it. I looked up and down the never ending list of names with panic. Does this mean I wasn’t even good enough to get a part? Am I just an understudy? I asked myself; fear, dread, and hysteria rising up into my throat all at one time. Once I’d reached the top again, something caught my eye. Is that my name I just saw under SUGARPLUM??? I could hardly control my excitement- Sugarplum Fairy is the lead of the whole entire Nutcracker. I couldn’t suppress my grin anymore; I did it! All my hard work and preparation paid off… I thought to myself with a sigh of relief.

On one frigid December night, I found myself in the midst of a blizzard. Perched on my bed, bundled up in fleecy blankets, I looked out the window to see swirling snowflakes being pushed violently though the air by forceful wind.  A sudden gust of crisp air blew over me sending a chill down my spine and covering my arms and legs in goosebumps. We hadn’t been able to leave our house in two days- the snow had piled and piled up; leaving us prisoners in our own homes. There was plenty of food, and we hadn’t lost power… yet, but for some reason, an immense hunger was gnawing at my stomach. It seemed like it would never stop! I need to leave this house and I need to leave right this minute! I thought to myself. I just don’t think I can take it anymore! Suddenly, a memory flashed before my eyes.

It was a warm summer night and school was going to start start next week. I squinted my eyes, trying to remember the moment more clearly.  The memory of an aroma of warmth and happiness filled my nose bringing me back to those lazy days of summer. An aroma that only means one thing in this world: Asian food. Accompanied by the sound of metal on concreate, I pulled the black chair out from under the table in front of “Red Bowl.” I greeted my best friend with a hug and a smile, and promptly patted her dog on the head who was seated comfortably on the chair next to her. As I sat down, the seat of the metallic chair felt cool on my bare legs. Back in my freezing room, I remembered the carefree feeling of the sun on my face as I sat alone, shivering from the cold. I drifted back into the summer; After a few minutes, the waitress handed us our drinks. The tart yet sweet flavors of the lemonade overloaded my taste buds and caused me to scrunch up my face once I took my first sip. After that, I couldn’t stop; the tangy taste drew me in again and again. I took one sip after another after another until my order arrived, and by then I had finished the whole glass. Placed before me was the most glorious meal I had ever seen; the steam from each plate rose towards my face, and surrounded me with mouthwatering scents.  Back at home, fighting off the frost, my mouth began to water as I imagined the delicious meal I had the pleasure of having all those months ago. I didn’t know which one to dig into first- the pristine white rice formed into a perfect dome shape? Or maybe the steaming plate of fried tofu, with the sharp smell of Teriyaki sauce practically jumping up at me from its bowl? Or the delicious looking sushi plater? How could I ever possibly chose? Oh, how did I want those delicious plates full to the brim with steaming hot food to be sitting in front of me right now on this cold, wintry night…