By Loren Troan (’20)

 

Pet owners are happier and healthier.                                     .

 

Note: This story is satire!

 

According to the 2017 American Housing Survey, 49% of American households have pets. Now, I know what you’re thinking – that few? And it is a terrible reality. The Independent found that pet owners were more likely to be happy, healthy, and married, and overall more productive members of society. This discovery leads me to a natural inquiry: how can we increase the number of pet owners?

 

First, it is vital to choose the right pet for the right person. Not everyone is (strangely enough) a cat person, and for some reason hidden to me, some prefer dogs. So, what are some differences between the owners? First, dog owners tend to be more outgoing, agreeable, and self-disciplined, while cat owners tend towards curiosity and adventure. The differences extend into the lifestyles of the owners: dog owners are more likely to be married and live in a house, cat owners more likely to live alone and to have grown up with a cat. Using these indicators (and probably some individual input), the process of pairing animals and people shouldn’t be challenging.

 

Next, are there even enough pets to be distributed? Well, if about half of households already have a pet, and there are 128 million households, then 64 million pets would be needed. Unfortunately, there just aren’t that many available pets in the country of any type, with the possible exception of giving each household a fish. The best option is then to determine a long-term strategy that would slowly increase the number of pets. This could best be done by subsidizing breeders and discouraging owners from having their furry friends spayed or neutered.

 

We then come upon the problem of distribution. By implementing the above solutions, we would have an ever-increasing number of animals distributed across the country. Here, I propose a government agency in charge of connecting potential owners to breeders. It would serve to supplement the already existing online and informal networks that serve this purpose and would be able to help provide more accurate statistics for combatting the crisis.

 

Last, but certainly not least, there is the issue of cost. Simply put, pets can be expensive: up to $12,200 for dogs and $18,200 for cats. The best solution here pulls from the world of politics: universal healthcare. Numerous Democrats have proposed in-depth solutions for people, and it would be quick to adapt them onto pets. This transition would allow more people than ever before to own pets, as it would help reduce the potential worries about financial damages. I can’t predict how much the program would cost on a national level, but some universal coverage plans have cost very little for humans (or even been revenue-positive!), and their costs would go way down when reducing the price of labor, medication, and deflating the prices.

 

These are not drastic measures, but ones though up out of a desire for increased national happiness and health. America has many issues, but low pet ownership is one that can be solved.

 

Note: Image is from the Wake County SPCA. If you’re looking to adopt or foster a pet, try going to your local shelter to find an animal in need.